Hunting Elves

We were hunting Elves. Not the tiny cute ones or the malicious kind. We were looking for the tall regal, wise elves.

Not to harm them. No. Not to harm. We hoped they could help us with our problem back at the village, so we went into the forest hunting elves.

 

They are elusive creatures and just as skittish as a deer.

They live in a special kind of enchanted forest, with amazingly beautiful flowers that are always in bloom. Everything is always in bloom. There’s never a storm, just a gentle mist in the morning to water the plants. It never snows because winter never comes. It’s never hot because it’s always spring.

But you have to know just where to find this enchanted forest where elves live.

We got lost.

 

We came upon a group of pixies.

Pixies look like little people the size of birds with wings like dragonflies.

They’re malicious little creatures. They’re not evil. They’re not liars. Even so, you cannot trust them.

“Do you know where the elves live?” we asked.

“Oh yes,” the pixies happily chirped.

“Great,” we said. “Would you please give us directions?”

“Yes,” they said and pointed us in a direction. Not the direction to the elf forest.

 

It was our fault. We were not specific. We didn’t ask them to give us directions to where the elves lived. We just asked for directions. They gave us directions to an org camp.

But the orgs weren’t there. Leprechauns were.

 

Leprechauns are waist high all dressed in red. I know everyone thinks leprechauns are dressed in green with red hair sticking out of a green derby hat. But they’re not.

Did you know there are no female leprechauns? No one knows why exactly.

I think it’s because they made the gods angry and the gods took all the females away.

It’s not as if they need females since they’re immortal. But not having females sure makes them disagreeable little creatures.

 

When they saw us, they thought we’d come to steal their gold.

Stealing their gold makes them angrier than not having female leprechauns.

They were having a banquet when we walked in. They threw chucks of beef at us and potatoes and leaks and pies and cake. Lots of cake. Leprechauns like cake. I like cake, but not in my face.

If we’d had whisky, they would have invited us to their banquet. If we’d had whiskey and got them drunk they would have given us their gold. We could have given the gold to the pixies, pixies like shinny stuff, and they would have told us where the elves lived.

We didn’t have whiskey.

 

Angry leprechauns ran at us with their stubby legs and their little fists ready to fight.

When we tried to grab one of them, they disappeared – snap – just like that, and reappeared on our backs — beating us on the back of our head with their fists.

Some poured beer down our backs.

I don’t like beer, especially down my back.

The leprechauns weren’t really angry with us, they were angry because of orgs.

 

Leprechauns were living in what used to be an org camp. The orgs moved because they found an opening in the mountain. They went inside, and found a big cavern. They moved in and made it their home.

The cavern was originally the leprechauns’ home. They of course moved out and now lived in the orgs’ old camp. And they were not happy about it.

When we showed up and there was such a ruckus with the running and shouting and the cussing, we did the shouting, the leprechauns did the cursing, that the orgs came outside to see what was going on.

Immediately every leprechaun disappeared and reappeared in their old cavern. They took all their belongings and their entire camp with them.

Org stuff appeared scattered about the camp. It was an awful mess, all kinds of armor from different armies, bones and half eaten corpses of all kinds of creatures including human.

At the same time the opening into the mountain closed so the orgs couldn’t get back inside to their new home, which they liked very much and were very sad they couldn’t get back into.

 

No, not sad. They were furious. They thought it was out fault. They turned on us and killed us.

The End

 

But wait, there is a moral to all of this:

If you have a problem, don’t go in to the forest looking for elves.Work it out yourself.

And never, never, NEVER ask a pixie for directions. You’re better off being lost.